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My uncle & aunt asked everyone in their families to come over at 20:00 last week. The results of my aunt her bone scan were good, so that was a big relief. Especially since an asshole doctor told my uncle & aunt that my aunt has bone cancer, he just ‘knew’ it. So they were extremely scared that the doctors would say that they can do nothing more for her. Bullshit. Pisses me off big time.

Then they told us that my aunt will start with chemotherapy again, but now she gets tablets that she can take at home, so she won’t have to go to he hospital so often. She can do this at home. And she won’t lose her hair again, so happy about that, because I know how much she hated that.

Unfortunately she got so sick from the chemo pills and belly fluid that she is now forced to stop taking those pills. She was admitted to hospital again this week for a night. They put a frain in her belly and put her on iv fluids because she was dehydrated. Shés been so sick lately, it hurts me to see her like this. The chemotherapy is only going to stop the cancer from growing and moving. Unfortunately they can’t ‘cure’ her anymore.  She migh live for another 5 years, but it can also be 15 years. The doctors did say that we shouldn’t hope for 20 years. Which hit me hard.

My aunt is quite ‘nomal’ under all this news. She’s going to give this a ago. But it’s pretty obviouss that if this iv chemo doesn’t work, she might want to stop fighting and see how long she’ll be alive.

I’m struggling so much now. I know it’s not important how I feel, but damn, this is hard. I want to cry so badly to relief some stress, but I can’t because of my meds I guess. So I’m freaking out here now, my head is absolutely killing me. I might end up doing something self-destructive if I dissociate. Which I’m scared of. I can’t control my thoughts & voices.

Well, last night I screwed up, I cut again.

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I think I’m losing my mind.

I just need to write this down.

  • I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
  • I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
  • Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
  • I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
  •  I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
  • The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
  • I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
  • PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.