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My uncle & aunt asked everyone in their families to come over at 20:00 last week. The results of my aunt her bone scan were good, so that was a big relief. Especially since an asshole doctor told my uncle & aunt that my aunt has bone cancer, he just ‘knew’ it. So they were extremely scared that the doctors would say that they can do nothing more for her. Bullshit. Pisses me off big time.

Then they told us that my aunt will start with chemotherapy again, but now she gets tablets that she can take at home, so she won’t have to go to he hospital so often. She can do this at home. And she won’t lose her hair again, so happy about that, because I know how much she hated that.

Unfortunately she got so sick from the chemo pills and belly fluid that she is now forced to stop taking those pills. She was admitted to hospital again this week for a night. They put a frain in her belly and put her on iv fluids because she was dehydrated. Shés been so sick lately, it hurts me to see her like this. The chemotherapy is only going to stop the cancer from growing and moving. Unfortunately they can’t ‘cure’ her anymore.  She migh live for another 5 years, but it can also be 15 years. The doctors did say that we shouldn’t hope for 20 years. Which hit me hard.

My aunt is quite ‘nomal’ under all this news. She’s going to give this a ago. But it’s pretty obviouss that if this iv chemo doesn’t work, she might want to stop fighting and see how long she’ll be alive.

I’m struggling so much now. I know it’s not important how I feel, but damn, this is hard. I want to cry so badly to relief some stress, but I can’t because of my meds I guess. So I’m freaking out here now, my head is absolutely killing me. I might end up doing something self-destructive if I dissociate. Which I’m scared of. I can’t control my thoughts & voices.

Well, last night I screwed up, I cut again.

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Eating Disorder.

I was just thinking about how many of us struggle with an eating disorder. It’s such a hard fight to get better. For a lot of us the struggle, the fight with our ED takes years. Relapses that make you want to give up. Feeling helpless, unable to escape the voice in your that’s telling you to lose weight, that you’re a fat idiot, that you can’t eat. Ofcourse there’s also a voice that’s telling people that they’ll feel better if they eat something when they’re upset. It starts with 1 or 2 things. Then it spirals out of control & you can’t stop eating anymore. Some will purge afterwards, some will exercise afterwards.

What I really hate though, is that people with a healthy weight rarely get the help they need. A lot of them get told they look fine, so it possibly can’t be that bad. When I was underweight, everyone was concerned, trying to help. When my weight was in the healthy range, no one said anything. Now I’m obese, but now I just get disgusted looks.

I know it’s just a short text & I damn well know that’s just a tiny part of what us people go through, but I felt like writing it down. I’m relapsing & scared.