✤ Sexual Harassment and  Molestation: Part 1 ✤

❗️NO DETAILS IN THIS PART ❗️

We’ve never told anyone about this. Just hid the memories, the feelings, in a dark corner of our minds. We’re literally shaking and crying whilst writing this. Not sure why, but all these ‘hidden’ memories are flooding back to the the surface and we have clue how to cope with it. Have never even told our therapists abou it, because we buried it. Now we’re too scared to talk about it, because we’re terrified of them telling the parents, even though I’m 29 / Amelia 20 / Sam 34. I’m sure they’ll find out sooner or later.

We’re very concerned about what will happen next. Think Sam has to deal with most of this, he’s much more mature and stronger than me and Amelia.  We have no idea where to start though. It’s very dangerous to let all that back in. Our mind is already a huge chaos. We’re just too scared. We don’t want the family to know.

We actually don’t remember the people who did this. They were strangers. Coping with that proved to be too much. That’s probably when it went from ‘me’ to ‘us’. It was so scary. Too scared to run away. Too scared to say no. Too scared to tell someone. We never did EMDR with this ofcourse, the therapist didn’t know. Not sure what to do now…

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✤ We Are Scared ✤

Where to begin? 

Just with the most simple thing: We’re really not doing well. We feel like utter crap to be honest. 

When we started taking Haloperidol, 1mg, it actually helped us. The side effects drove us crazy though. Unfortunately we’re feeling really aweful, so we’re going to take 2mg from now on. Hopefully that will help. Quite scared again for the side effects. But we just have to go through it.

We’re not going to go into details today, we don’t feel safe enough at the moment to go into. We will do soon. There’s like a bright billboard above our head looking like this:

✖ ! Things are not okay with these persons! 

Now what? we’ve sent an email to our therapist with the question if we can see her this week. Or even with another therapist if we have to. We’ve been quite honest about everything in our email, it was so hard to write though. We’ve pushed all the bad stuff far away in a dark corner of our minds. Maybe one day we can write about it all on here. We shall see.

I think I’m losing my mind.

I just need to write this down.

  • I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
  • I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
  • Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
  • I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
  •  I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
  • The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
  • I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
  • PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.