โœค Small Update (TW) โœค

As we said yesterday, life just feels like it’s not for us. Sent an email to our therapist. It’s just so hard for all of us, because she doesn’t want to believe with how many we are. Very disappointing and also makes some of us feel sad. This is why we hate switching therapists so often.

We weren’t happy with her response. Whenever we’re in a crisis she refuses giving us the extra help we need. But we always have to reschedule because she has to see someone in a crisis. It’s so damn unfair. We clearly aren’t as important as others, our lives are not important. It makes us quite angry and upset.

We were home alone and ended up cutting our left arm open. It was either that or commit suicide. Simple as that. Do we regret this? Not sure. Did we do enough harm? No. Shouldn’t have stopped when we did. We were switching and one of us stopped, but this struggle of self harm isn’t gone from our minds yet. It’s a fight for survival. Some of us are fighters, others want to die. Can’t even explain how difficult this is. ๐Ÿ˜”

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โœค Help โœค

We can’t do this anymore. Life is too hard. Dying seems so peaceful. No more pain.

Need to email our therapist about this, but we don’t think she will care much. She never does. If something goes well she is really nice, but if we’re suicidal she doesn’t want to help us. Guess that should be a good thing, because she won’t try to stop us.

Too many bad memories and nightmares. Voices have won. So have the shadows and the creepy crawlers under our skin. We know what we’re going to do, what we have to do. It’s really inconvinient that we’re living with our parents though.

Don’t know how to ask for help. And we need a lot of help to get through this. It’s a losing battle, most likely.

Sorry for this negative post, but we’re completely broken.

โœค Christmas โœค

What a week it has been. Not in a good way. It’s Christmas now, but it all just feels ‘wrong’.

Last week We went to our creative therapy sessions on Tuesday and Wednesday. We were way too restless to focus on anything. Not sure what we actually did.

Thursday we saw our orthopedist about our right ankle. He set up an appointment for us with a specialist on February 16. Going to be a long wait with this constant pain. They might have to do surgery, but we’ll hear about that later.

Friday we had therapy. Wasn’t a good session, we were too scared to show her what’s been going on and only answered some questions. She said she noticed that our depression has gotten worse.

Last night our whole family got together with presents and stuff. We do this every year. This year it was very difficult. Too busy, too much noise. It was so overwhelming and we were going crazy. Drank quite a lot to try to calm down. Didn’t help. (More about alcohol in another post).

Actually did sleep okay. But we didn’t want to get up. Mom made a big breakfast, which was really nice, but we don’t like to be forced to eat so much after just waking up. Got through it.

Did some diamond painting, tried to read a bit. Slow, long day. Big dinner also today. I feel like a damn stuffed pig, ugh. After that just watched tv and trying to get some sleep now, but we’re very anxious and restless. Might try to write first.

No clue what we are going to do tomorrow. Stressful.

๐Ÿšบ Ivy

โœค Therapy Disappointment โœค

Trigger Warning: Self Injury.

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I’ve been strugging a lot lately, but in the past no one wanted to give some extra help. Was always turned down, even when I begged them to help me. So it’s been a big issue for me for years now.

A few months ago I switched teams and finally felt like I was in the right place for help. Unfortunately that all ended within 24 hours.

I asked for an extra session with my psychiatrist and I could come over Thursday afternoon. My life is spinning out of control and I’ve been self harming pretty much every day. We had a good talk (I’m too tired to go into detail) and we decided going inpatient for 3 weeks was the best option at the moment. He said I would be put om a waiting list, but that I wouldn’t have to wait long.

This was such a relief! Finally I found someone who was able and willing to help. Going inpatient will be goodย  for me for a number of reasons and he agreed.

So this morning I had an extra appointment wih my therpist, who unfortunately decided she didn’t agree with my psychiatrist. She told me she does not want me to go inpatient, because I haven’t done enough to feel better myself (which is utter bullshit) and that my crisis wasn’t bad enough. I told her everything about what’s going on with me. But she doesn’t give a damn. I pleaded, begged, cried like a baby. Yet she stil wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say.

Needless to say I felt 100 times worse when I left. The only thing I’m doing is hurting myself in different ways. I’m so close to just giving up and be done with this hell called life. The only reason I’m even still here is my family. If it was just for me, I wouldn’t be around anymore.

Now I have to somehow get through the weekend. My head is killing me and I keep dissociating often. I have no fight left in me.

โœค Sexual Harassment and ย Molestation: Part 2 โœค

โš ๏ธ MIGHT TRIGGER โš ๏ธ

help

We have no idea how this post is going to turn out to be honest. There’s so much chaos in our head and so much pain when we think about how we were treated. All these horrible flashbacks have given us mayor anxiety and so many ‘dissociation periods’.

This post is written by me, Mana. Before I became we.

It started when I was about 6 years old. There was a boy who always took me into the bushes, showed me his penis and made me pull down my pants as well. He never touched me or made me touch him. Yet it still is a bad memory. Just can’t get the bad feelings out of our head.

๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น

When I was 12 years old the next thing happened. I was on holiday with my parents, having a good time. A cute guy came up to me, held my hand and we just floated around the pool like that. Then he asked if I would mind going in the hottub and I went with him. He proceeded to stick his hand down my bikini pants and places my hand on his penis. I completely freaked out, but instead of that resulting in me punching him in the face, I froze. I couldn’t move. I barely managed to tell him to let go of me, but he didn’t listen. Have absolutely no idea how long we sat there like that, but if felt like hours. In the end I finally managed to get away from him and ran to the shower to scrub myself clean. I fell to the floor, crying like a baby.

I was absolutely terrified and didn’t dare to tell anyone what had happened. I just felt so gross, so disgusting. What was making it worse, is that I saw him multiple times a day and I was too scared to go anywhere. What if he followed me? What would he do to me then, after rejecting his advances? I managed to avoid him during the rest of our holiday, thank god.

๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น

Well, this was the first part. Writing this was so much harder than I (we) thought it would be. Not sure when the next part will be up. We’re struggling so much.

ยซ Bad News ยป

My uncle & aunt asked everyone in their families to come over at 20:00 last week. The results of my aunt her bone scan were good, so that was a big relief. Especially since an asshole doctor told my uncle & aunt that my aunt has bone cancer, he just ‘knew’ it. So they were extremely scared that the doctors would say that they can do nothing more for her. Bullshit. Pisses me off big time.

Then they told us that my aunt will start with chemotherapy again, but now she gets tablets that she can take at home, so she won’t have to go to he hospital so often. She can do this at home. And she won’t lose her hair again, so happy about that, because I know how much she hated that.

Unfortunately she got so sick from the chemo pills and belly fluid that she is now forced to stop taking those pills. She was admitted to hospital again this week for a night. They put a frain in her belly and put her on iv fluids because she was dehydrated. Shรฉs been so sick lately, it hurts me to see her like this. The chemotherapy is only going to stop the cancer from growing and moving. Unfortunately they can’t ‘cure’ her anymore.ย  She migh live for another 5 years, but it can also be 15 years. The doctors did say that we shouldn’t hope for 20 years. Which hit me hard.

My aunt is quite ‘nomal’ under all this news. She’s going to give this a ago. But it’s pretty obviouss that if this iv chemo doesn’t work, she might want to stop fighting and see how long she’ll be alive.

I’m struggling so much now. I know it’s not important how I feel, but damn, this is hard. I want to cry so badly to relief some stress, but I can’t because of my meds I guess. So I’m freaking out here now, my head is absolutely killing me. I might end up doing something self-destructive if I dissociate. Which I’m scared of. I can’t control my thoughts & voices.

Well, last night I screwed up, I cut again.

ยซ Loneliness ยป

โ€ข MIGHT TRIGGER โ€ข 

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โ€ข You know what I really hate? Feeling lonely almost every single day, for hours. Doesn’t matter if I’m alone or among other people. No one ever cares about me. They pretend they do and when stuff gets difficult they just pretend I never even existed. It breaks my heart. I will never be good enough, for anyone. My pets are what’s keeping me going right now. 

โ€ข I hate it when people tell me to stop complaining about being lonely, because I’m too young for that shit and I’m not old and wasting away in a house where no one ever comes. No family, no friends. 

โ€ข I love (most of) my family and I feel extremely guilty that that’s not enough to stop me being suicidal. In an attempt to try to stay sane I self harm. It’s stopping me from doing anything worse. I know most people don’t understand this ‘logic’ and I can’t blame them to be honest. It’s just that I really can’t control my emotions anymore and it scares me. I’m also an emotional/comfort eater and it’s just making me feel so fat. Guess what? No one likes this fat idiot and I just feel lonely so often. It hurts. 

save me from myself, save me from this loneliness