✤ Help ✤

We can’t do this anymore. Life is too hard. Dying seems so peaceful. No more pain.

Need to email our therapist about this, but we don’t think she will care much. She never does. If something goes well she is really nice, but if we’re suicidal she doesn’t want to help us. Guess that should be a good thing, because she won’t try to stop us.

Too many bad memories and nightmares. Voices have won. So have the shadows and the creepy crawlers under our skin. We know what we’re going to do, what we have to do. It’s really inconvinient that we’re living with our parents though.

Don’t know how to ask for help. And we need a lot of help to get through this. It’s a losing battle, most likely.

Sorry for this negative post, but we’re completely broken.

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✤ Christmas ✤

What a week it has been. Not in a good way. It’s Christmas now, but it all just feels ‘wrong’.

Last week We went to our creative therapy sessions on Tuesday and Wednesday. We were way too restless to focus on anything. Not sure what we actually did.

Thursday we saw our orthopedist about our right ankle. He set up an appointment for us with a specialist on February 16. Going to be a long wait with this constant pain. They might have to do surgery, but we’ll hear about that later.

Friday we had therapy. Wasn’t a good session, we were too scared to show her what’s been going on and only answered some questions. She said she noticed that our depression has gotten worse.

Last night our whole family got together with presents and stuff. We do this every year. This year it was very difficult. Too busy, too much noise. It was so overwhelming and we were going crazy. Drank quite a lot to try to calm down. Didn’t help. (More about alcohol in another post).

Actually did sleep okay. But we didn’t want to get up. Mom made a big breakfast, which was really nice, but we don’t like to be forced to eat so much after just waking up. Got through it.

Did some diamond painting, tried to read a bit. Slow, long day. Big dinner also today. I feel like a damn stuffed pig, ugh. After that just watched tv and trying to get some sleep now, but we’re very anxious and restless. Might try to write first.

No clue what we are going to do tomorrow. Stressful.

🚺 Ivy

✤ Falling ✤

⚠️TW⚠️

The last few days have been horrible. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Food issues. Self harm. Bad news.

My aunt has cancer, for the second time. Chemotherapy doesn’t work. So it wont get much better anymore. She’s going to get hormone infections to stop the cancer from spreading. Finding it very difficult to accept. I love her so much, I can’t lose her. 😔 I don’t know how to cope with this news. Some of us have been trying to help me, Mana, from doing too much harm to myself. Nothing helps me distract from everything that’s going on, stuck in my head and the voices are ordering me to cut. I’m not sure switching is going to help much longer. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to ‘be’ anymore. Hospital is the only thing that might save me, but my therapists don’t believe me. So upset. I need help. We need help.

I’m feeling so fat, I’m disgusting. Yet I keep eating. Because of all the stress and medication. I was losing weight and it felt great, but I’m so stressed I keep relapsing. Everyone thinks it’s not a real problem, but it is for me. Yet I just get told to stop eating. It hurts. I can’t stand the sight of myself. Literally makes me sick. No one understands this and I don’t know how to let people know how much this is affecting me…

Nightmares are coming back. I don’t get enough sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. Scared. Paranoid. Feel so helpless. I’m hallucinating again, I think, not sure what’s real and what’s not. I just know it’s killing me, slowly. The voices are making me feel so small and useless. Giving me destructive orders. I need to hurt myself. A lot. Can’t fight them anymore. I’m very close to giving up.

I wish these damn holidays weren’t so soon. I’m losing it and I don’t want to ruin everything for my family, especially my parents. But I can’t deal with this fucked up life anymore. I desperately need help that is being denied acces to me. I’m so unimportant.

Should I even be here anymore? Not for me.

Eating Disorder.

I was just thinking about how many of us struggle with an eating disorder. It’s such a hard fight to get better. For a lot of us the struggle, the fight with our ED takes years. Relapses that make you want to give up. Feeling helpless, unable to escape the voice in your that’s telling you to lose weight, that you’re a fat idiot, that you can’t eat. Ofcourse there’s also a voice that’s telling people that they’ll feel better if they eat something when they’re upset. It starts with 1 or 2 things. Then it spirals out of control & you can’t stop eating anymore. Some will purge afterwards, some will exercise afterwards.

What I really hate though, is that people with a healthy weight rarely get the help they need. A lot of them get told they look fine, so it possibly can’t be that bad. When I was underweight, everyone was concerned, trying to help. When my weight was in the healthy range, no one said anything. Now I’m obese, but now I just get disgusted looks.

I know it’s just a short text & I damn well know that’s just a tiny part of what us people go through, but I felt like writing it down. I’m relapsing & scared.