โœค Small Update (TW) โœค

As we said yesterday, life just feels like it’s not for us. Sent an email to our therapist. It’s just so hard for all of us, because she doesn’t want to believe with how many we are. Very disappointing and also makes some of us feel sad. This is why we hate switching therapists so often.

We weren’t happy with her response. Whenever we’re in a crisis she refuses giving us the extra help we need. But we always have to reschedule because she has to see someone in a crisis. It’s so damn unfair. We clearly aren’t as important as others, our lives are not important. It makes us quite angry and upset.

We were home alone and ended up cutting our left arm open. It was either that or commit suicide. Simple as that. Do we regret this? Not sure. Did we do enough harm? No. Shouldn’t have stopped when we did. We were switching and one of us stopped, but this struggle of self harm isn’t gone from our minds yet. It’s a fight for survival. Some of us are fighters, others want to die. Can’t even explain how difficult this is. ๐Ÿ˜”

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โœค Christmas โœค

What a week it has been. Not in a good way. It’s Christmas now, but it all just feels ‘wrong’.

Last week We went to our creative therapy sessions on Tuesday and Wednesday. We were way too restless to focus on anything. Not sure what we actually did.

Thursday we saw our orthopedist about our right ankle. He set up an appointment for us with a specialist on February 16. Going to be a long wait with this constant pain. They might have to do surgery, but we’ll hear about that later.

Friday we had therapy. Wasn’t a good session, we were too scared to show her what’s been going on and only answered some questions. She said she noticed that our depression has gotten worse.

Last night our whole family got together with presents and stuff. We do this every year. This year it was very difficult. Too busy, too much noise. It was so overwhelming and we were going crazy. Drank quite a lot to try to calm down. Didn’t help. (More about alcohol in another post).

Actually did sleep okay. But we didn’t want to get up. Mom made a big breakfast, which was really nice, but we don’t like to be forced to eat so much after just waking up. Got through it.

Did some diamond painting, tried to read a bit. Slow, long day. Big dinner also today. I feel like a damn stuffed pig, ugh. After that just watched tv and trying to get some sleep now, but we’re very anxious and restless. Might try to write first.

No clue what we are going to do tomorrow. Stressful.

๐Ÿšบ Ivy

โœค Sexual Harassment and ย Molestation: Part 2 โœค

โš ๏ธ MIGHT TRIGGER โš ๏ธ

help

We have no idea how this post is going to turn out to be honest. There’s so much chaos in our head and so much pain when we think about how we were treated. All these horrible flashbacks have given us mayor anxiety and so many ‘dissociation periods’.

This post is written by me, Mana. Before I became we.

It started when I was about 6 years old. There was a boy who always took me into the bushes, showed me his penis and made me pull down my pants as well. He never touched me or made me touch him. Yet it still is a bad memory. Just can’t get the bad feelings out of our head.

๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น

When I was 12 years old the next thing happened. I was on holiday with my parents, having a good time. A cute guy came up to me, held my hand and we just floated around the pool like that. Then he asked if I would mind going in the hottub and I went with him. He proceeded to stick his hand down my bikini pants and places my hand on his penis. I completely freaked out, but instead of that resulting in me punching him in the face, I froze. I couldn’t move. I barely managed to tell him to let go of me, but he didn’t listen. Have absolutely no idea how long we sat there like that, but if felt like hours. In the end I finally managed to get away from him and ran to the shower to scrub myself clean. I fell to the floor, crying like a baby.

I was absolutely terrified and didn’t dare to tell anyone what had happened. I just felt so gross, so disgusting. What was making it worse, is that I saw him multiple times a day and I was too scared to go anywhere. What if he followed me? What would he do to me then, after rejecting his advances? I managed to avoid him during the rest of our holiday, thank god.

๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น๐Ÿ”ธ๐Ÿ”น

Well, this was the first part. Writing this was so much harder than I (we) thought it would be. Not sure when the next part will be up. We’re struggling so much.

โœค Sexual Harassment and ย Molestation: Part 1 โœค

โ—๏ธNO DETAILS IN THIS PART โ—๏ธ

We’ve never told anyone about this. Just hid the memories, the feelings, in a dark corner of our minds. We’re literally shaking and crying whilst writing this. Not sure why, but all these ‘hidden’ memories are flooding back to the the surface and we have clue how to cope with it. Have never even told our therapists abou it, because we buried it. Now we’re too scared to talk about it, because we’re terrified of them telling the parents, even though I’m 29 / Amelia 20 / Sam 34. I’m sure they’ll find out sooner or later.

We’re very concerned about what will happen next. Think Sam has to deal with most of this, he’s much more mature and stronger than me and Amelia. ย We have no idea where to start though. It’s very dangerous to let all that back in. Our mind is already a huge chaos. We’re just too scared. We don’t want the family to know.

We actually don’t remember the people who did this. They were strangers. Coping with that proved to be too much. That’s probably when it went from ‘me’ to ‘us’. It was so scary. Too scared to run away. Too scared to say no. Too scared to tell someone. We never did EMDR with this ofcourse, the therapist didn’t know. Not sure what to do now…

I think I’m losing my mind.

I just need to write this down.

  • I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
  • I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
  • Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
  • I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
  • ย I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
  • The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
  • I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
  • PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.