• MIGHT TRIGGER •
• You know what I really hate? Feeling lonely almost every single day, for hours. Doesn’t matter if I’m alone or among other people. No one ever cares about me. They pretend they do and when stuff gets difficult they just pretend I never even existed. It breaks my heart. I will never be good enough, for anyone. My pets are what’s keeping me going right now.
• I hate it when people tell me to stop complaining about being lonely, because I’m too young for that shit and I’m not old and wasting away in a house where no one ever comes. No family, no friends.
• I love (most of) my family and I feel extremely guilty that that’s not enough to stop me being suicidal. In an attempt to try to stay sane I self harm. It’s stopping me from doing anything worse. I know most people don’t understand this ‘logic’ and I can’t blame them to be honest. It’s just that I really can’t control my emotions anymore and it scares me. I’m also an emotional/comfort eater and it’s just making me feel so fat. Guess what? No one likes this fat idiot and I just feel lonely so often. It hurts.
save me from myself, save me from this loneliness
I just need to write this down.
- I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
- I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
- Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
- I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
- I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
- The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
- I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
- PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.