✤ Small Update (TW) ✤

As we said yesterday, life just feels like it’s not for us. Sent an email to our therapist. It’s just so hard for all of us, because she doesn’t want to believe with how many we are. Very disappointing and also makes some of us feel sad. This is why we hate switching therapists so often.

We weren’t happy with her response. Whenever we’re in a crisis she refuses giving us the extra help we need. But we always have to reschedule because she has to see someone in a crisis. It’s so damn unfair. We clearly aren’t as important as others, our lives are not important. It makes us quite angry and upset.

We were home alone and ended up cutting our left arm open. It was either that or commit suicide. Simple as that. Do we regret this? Not sure. Did we do enough harm? No. Shouldn’t have stopped when we did. We were switching and one of us stopped, but this struggle of self harm isn’t gone from our minds yet. It’s a fight for survival. Some of us are fighters, others want to die. Can’t even explain how difficult this is. 😔

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✤ Help ✤

We can’t do this anymore. Life is too hard. Dying seems so peaceful. No more pain.

Need to email our therapist about this, but we don’t think she will care much. She never does. If something goes well she is really nice, but if we’re suicidal she doesn’t want to help us. Guess that should be a good thing, because she won’t try to stop us.

Too many bad memories and nightmares. Voices have won. So have the shadows and the creepy crawlers under our skin. We know what we’re going to do, what we have to do. It’s really inconvinient that we’re living with our parents though.

Don’t know how to ask for help. And we need a lot of help to get through this. It’s a losing battle, most likely.

Sorry for this negative post, but we’re completely broken.

✤ Christmas ✤

What a week it has been. Not in a good way. It’s Christmas now, but it all just feels ‘wrong’.

Last week We went to our creative therapy sessions on Tuesday and Wednesday. We were way too restless to focus on anything. Not sure what we actually did.

Thursday we saw our orthopedist about our right ankle. He set up an appointment for us with a specialist on February 16. Going to be a long wait with this constant pain. They might have to do surgery, but we’ll hear about that later.

Friday we had therapy. Wasn’t a good session, we were too scared to show her what’s been going on and only answered some questions. She said she noticed that our depression has gotten worse.

Last night our whole family got together with presents and stuff. We do this every year. This year it was very difficult. Too busy, too much noise. It was so overwhelming and we were going crazy. Drank quite a lot to try to calm down. Didn’t help. (More about alcohol in another post).

Actually did sleep okay. But we didn’t want to get up. Mom made a big breakfast, which was really nice, but we don’t like to be forced to eat so much after just waking up. Got through it.

Did some diamond painting, tried to read a bit. Slow, long day. Big dinner also today. I feel like a damn stuffed pig, ugh. After that just watched tv and trying to get some sleep now, but we’re very anxious and restless. Might try to write first.

No clue what we are going to do tomorrow. Stressful.

🚺 Ivy

✤ Falling ✤

⚠️TW⚠️

The last few days have been horrible. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Food issues. Self harm. Bad news.

My aunt has cancer, for the second time. Chemotherapy doesn’t work. So it wont get much better anymore. She’s going to get hormone infections to stop the cancer from spreading. Finding it very difficult to accept. I love her so much, I can’t lose her. 😔 I don’t know how to cope with this news. Some of us have been trying to help me, Mana, from doing too much harm to myself. Nothing helps me distract from everything that’s going on, stuck in my head and the voices are ordering me to cut. I’m not sure switching is going to help much longer. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to ‘be’ anymore. Hospital is the only thing that might save me, but my therapists don’t believe me. So upset. I need help. We need help.

I’m feeling so fat, I’m disgusting. Yet I keep eating. Because of all the stress and medication. I was losing weight and it felt great, but I’m so stressed I keep relapsing. Everyone thinks it’s not a real problem, but it is for me. Yet I just get told to stop eating. It hurts. I can’t stand the sight of myself. Literally makes me sick. No one understands this and I don’t know how to let people know how much this is affecting me…

Nightmares are coming back. I don’t get enough sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. Scared. Paranoid. Feel so helpless. I’m hallucinating again, I think, not sure what’s real and what’s not. I just know it’s killing me, slowly. The voices are making me feel so small and useless. Giving me destructive orders. I need to hurt myself. A lot. Can’t fight them anymore. I’m very close to giving up.

I wish these damn holidays weren’t so soon. I’m losing it and I don’t want to ruin everything for my family, especially my parents. But I can’t deal with this fucked up life anymore. I desperately need help that is being denied acces to me. I’m so unimportant.

Should I even be here anymore? Not for me.

✤ Sexual Harassment and  Molestation: Part 1 ✤

❗️NO DETAILS IN THIS PART ❗️

We’ve never told anyone about this. Just hid the memories, the feelings, in a dark corner of our minds. We’re literally shaking and crying whilst writing this. Not sure why, but all these ‘hidden’ memories are flooding back to the the surface and we have clue how to cope with it. Have never even told our therapists abou it, because we buried it. Now we’re too scared to talk about it, because we’re terrified of them telling the parents, even though I’m 29 / Amelia 20 / Sam 34. I’m sure they’ll find out sooner or later.

We’re very concerned about what will happen next. Think Sam has to deal with most of this, he’s much more mature and stronger than me and Amelia.  We have no idea where to start though. It’s very dangerous to let all that back in. Our mind is already a huge chaos. We’re just too scared. We don’t want the family to know.

We actually don’t remember the people who did this. They were strangers. Coping with that proved to be too much. That’s probably when it went from ‘me’ to ‘us’. It was so scary. Too scared to run away. Too scared to say no. Too scared to tell someone. We never did EMDR with this ofcourse, the therapist didn’t know. Not sure what to do now…

I think I’m losing my mind.

I just need to write this down.

  • I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
  • I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
  • Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
  • I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
  •  I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
  • The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
  • I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
  • PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.