✤ Therapy Disappointment ✤

Trigger Warning: Self Injury.

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I’ve been strugging a lot lately, but in the past no one wanted to give some extra help. Was always turned down, even when I begged them to help me. So it’s been a big issue for me for years now.

A few months ago I switched teams and finally felt like I was in the right place for help. Unfortunately that all ended within 24 hours.

I asked for an extra session with my psychiatrist and I could come over Thursday afternoon. My life is spinning out of control and I’ve been self harming pretty much every day. We had a good talk (I’m too tired to go into detail) and we decided going inpatient for 3 weeks was the best option at the moment. He said I would be put om a waiting list, but that I wouldn’t have to wait long.

This was such a relief! Finally I found someone who was able and willing to help. Going inpatient will be good  for me for a number of reasons and he agreed.

So this morning I had an extra appointment wih my therpist, who unfortunately decided she didn’t agree with my psychiatrist. She told me she does not want me to go inpatient, because I haven’t done enough to feel better myself (which is utter bullshit) and that my crisis wasn’t bad enough. I told her everything about what’s going on with me. But she doesn’t give a damn. I pleaded, begged, cried like a baby. Yet she stil wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say.

Needless to say I felt 100 times worse when I left. The only thing I’m doing is hurting myself in different ways. I’m so close to just giving up and be done with this hell called life. The only reason I’m even still here is my family. If it was just for me, I wouldn’t be around anymore.

Now I have to somehow get through the weekend. My head is killing me and I keep dissociating often. I have no fight left in me.

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✤ We Are Scared ✤

Where to begin? 

Just with the most simple thing: We’re really not doing well. We feel like utter crap to be honest. 

When we started taking Haloperidol, 1mg, it actually helped us. The side effects drove us crazy though. Unfortunately we’re feeling really aweful, so we’re going to take 2mg from now on. Hopefully that will help. Quite scared again for the side effects. But we just have to go through it.

We’re not going to go into details today, we don’t feel safe enough at the moment to go into. We will do soon. There’s like a bright billboard above our head looking like this:

✖ ! Things are not okay with these persons! 

Now what? we’ve sent an email to our therapist with the question if we can see her this week. Or even with another therapist if we have to. We’ve been quite honest about everything in our email, it was so hard to write though. We’ve pushed all the bad stuff far away in a dark corner of our minds. Maybe one day we can write about it all on here. We shall see.

« Loneliness »

• MIGHT TRIGGER • 


• You know what I really hate? Feeling lonely almost every single day, for hours. Doesn’t matter if I’m alone or among other people. No one ever cares about me. They pretend they do and when stuff gets difficult they just pretend I never even existed. It breaks my heart. I will never be good enough, for anyone. My pets are what’s keeping me going right now. 

• I hate it when people tell me to stop complaining about being lonely, because I’m too young for that shit and I’m not old and wasting away in a house where no one ever comes. No family, no friends. 

• I love (most of) my family and I feel extremely guilty that that’s not enough to stop me being suicidal. In an attempt to try to stay sane I self harm. It’s stopping me from doing anything worse. I know most people don’t understand this ‘logic’ and I can’t blame them to be honest. It’s just that I really can’t control my emotions anymore and it scares me. I’m also an emotional/comfort eater and it’s just making me feel so fat. Guess what? No one likes this fat idiot and I just feel lonely so often. It hurts. 

save me from myself, save me from this loneliness 

Eating Disorder.

I was just thinking about how many of us struggle with an eating disorder. It’s such a hard fight to get better. For a lot of us the struggle, the fight with our ED takes years. Relapses that make you want to give up. Feeling helpless, unable to escape the voice in your that’s telling you to lose weight, that you’re a fat idiot, that you can’t eat. Ofcourse there’s also a voice that’s telling people that they’ll feel better if they eat something when they’re upset. It starts with 1 or 2 things. Then it spirals out of control & you can’t stop eating anymore. Some will purge afterwards, some will exercise afterwards.

What I really hate though, is that people with a healthy weight rarely get the help they need. A lot of them get told they look fine, so it possibly can’t be that bad. When I was underweight, everyone was concerned, trying to help. When my weight was in the healthy range, no one said anything. Now I’m obese, but now I just get disgusted looks.

I know it’s just a short text & I damn well know that’s just a tiny part of what us people go through, but I felt like writing it down. I’m relapsing & scared.

I think I’m losing my mind.

I just need to write this down.

  • I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
  • I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
  • Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
  • I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
  •  I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
  • The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
  • I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
  • PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.