✤ Small Update (TW) ✤

As we said yesterday, life just feels like it’s not for us. Sent an email to our therapist. It’s just so hard for all of us, because she doesn’t want to believe with how many we are. Very disappointing and also makes some of us feel sad. This is why we hate switching therapists so often.

We weren’t happy with her response. Whenever we’re in a crisis she refuses giving us the extra help we need. But we always have to reschedule because she has to see someone in a crisis. It’s so damn unfair. We clearly aren’t as important as others, our lives are not important. It makes us quite angry and upset.

We were home alone and ended up cutting our left arm open. It was either that or commit suicide. Simple as that. Do we regret this? Not sure. Did we do enough harm? No. Shouldn’t have stopped when we did. We were switching and one of us stopped, but this struggle of self harm isn’t gone from our minds yet. It’s a fight for survival. Some of us are fighters, others want to die. Can’t even explain how difficult this is. 😔

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✤ Help ✤

We can’t do this anymore. Life is too hard. Dying seems so peaceful. No more pain.

Need to email our therapist about this, but we don’t think she will care much. She never does. If something goes well she is really nice, but if we’re suicidal she doesn’t want to help us. Guess that should be a good thing, because she won’t try to stop us.

Too many bad memories and nightmares. Voices have won. So have the shadows and the creepy crawlers under our skin. We know what we’re going to do, what we have to do. It’s really inconvinient that we’re living with our parents though.

Don’t know how to ask for help. And we need a lot of help to get through this. It’s a losing battle, most likely.

Sorry for this negative post, but we’re completely broken.

✤ Falling ✤

⚠️TW⚠️

The last few days have been horrible. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Food issues. Self harm. Bad news.

My aunt has cancer, for the second time. Chemotherapy doesn’t work. So it wont get much better anymore. She’s going to get hormone infections to stop the cancer from spreading. Finding it very difficult to accept. I love her so much, I can’t lose her. 😔 I don’t know how to cope with this news. Some of us have been trying to help me, Mana, from doing too much harm to myself. Nothing helps me distract from everything that’s going on, stuck in my head and the voices are ordering me to cut. I’m not sure switching is going to help much longer. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to ‘be’ anymore. Hospital is the only thing that might save me, but my therapists don’t believe me. So upset. I need help. We need help.

I’m feeling so fat, I’m disgusting. Yet I keep eating. Because of all the stress and medication. I was losing weight and it felt great, but I’m so stressed I keep relapsing. Everyone thinks it’s not a real problem, but it is for me. Yet I just get told to stop eating. It hurts. I can’t stand the sight of myself. Literally makes me sick. No one understands this and I don’t know how to let people know how much this is affecting me…

Nightmares are coming back. I don’t get enough sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. Scared. Paranoid. Feel so helpless. I’m hallucinating again, I think, not sure what’s real and what’s not. I just know it’s killing me, slowly. The voices are making me feel so small and useless. Giving me destructive orders. I need to hurt myself. A lot. Can’t fight them anymore. I’m very close to giving up.

I wish these damn holidays weren’t so soon. I’m losing it and I don’t want to ruin everything for my family, especially my parents. But I can’t deal with this fucked up life anymore. I desperately need help that is being denied acces to me. I’m so unimportant.

Should I even be here anymore? Not for me.

✤ Who am I? Who are we? ✤

That’s a really good question. A hard question to answer. (Dissociation/DID)

Over the years a lot has happened. Some things I have written about in previous posts. I’m not going into details right now. There’s time to write about it later.

Me, Mana, now in control, is the main person/identity. Always has been. Then there’s Amelia (20) and Sam (34). But over the years more ‘identities’ emerged. I find it very difficult to write about this to be honest. I hear voices as well, but that’s completely different and people don’t understand this. I still don’t know how to explain the differences.

Well, Amelia and Sam have been around since the beginning. Then others ‘appeared’. These are the ones I know of. I don’t know much about them, so I’ve made a journal for all of us to write in.

  • Gemma (6 years old) ~ I’m scared of her. She’s a psychopath. She tried to kill two people. She’s really mean and I try my hardest to not let her take over. Too dangerous. She’s always taunting me, which really upsets me.
  • Mikhail (about 12 years old) ~ He’s nice. He helps me when he can. But he’s sad quite often. Very quiet.
  • Ivy (about 16 years old) ~ School was hell for me and that’s when Ivy came out to help me. I was severely bullied for years, at every school. It’s a huge trauma for me and Ivy stepped/steps in to help.

I’m not sure what more I can write about this right now. It’s too triggering for most of us. Sometimes one of them might post here as well. So don’t freak out.

✤ Therapy Disappointment ✤

Trigger Warning: Self Injury.

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I’ve been strugging a lot lately, but in the past no one wanted to give some extra help. Was always turned down, even when I begged them to help me. So it’s been a big issue for me for years now.

A few months ago I switched teams and finally felt like I was in the right place for help. Unfortunately that all ended within 24 hours.

I asked for an extra session with my psychiatrist and I could come over Thursday afternoon. My life is spinning out of control and I’ve been self harming pretty much every day. We had a good talk (I’m too tired to go into detail) and we decided going inpatient for 3 weeks was the best option at the moment. He said I would be put om a waiting list, but that I wouldn’t have to wait long.

This was such a relief! Finally I found someone who was able and willing to help. Going inpatient will be good  for me for a number of reasons and he agreed.

So this morning I had an extra appointment wih my therpist, who unfortunately decided she didn’t agree with my psychiatrist. She told me she does not want me to go inpatient, because I haven’t done enough to feel better myself (which is utter bullshit) and that my crisis wasn’t bad enough. I told her everything about what’s going on with me. But she doesn’t give a damn. I pleaded, begged, cried like a baby. Yet she stil wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say.

Needless to say I felt 100 times worse when I left. The only thing I’m doing is hurting myself in different ways. I’m so close to just giving up and be done with this hell called life. The only reason I’m even still here is my family. If it was just for me, I wouldn’t be around anymore.

Now I have to somehow get through the weekend. My head is killing me and I keep dissociating often. I have no fight left in me.

✤ We Are Scared ✤

Where to begin? 

Just with the most simple thing: We’re really not doing well. We feel like utter crap to be honest. 

When we started taking Haloperidol, 1mg, it actually helped us. The side effects drove us crazy though. Unfortunately we’re feeling really aweful, so we’re going to take 2mg from now on. Hopefully that will help. Quite scared again for the side effects. But we just have to go through it.

We’re not going to go into details today, we don’t feel safe enough at the moment to go into. We will do soon. There’s like a bright billboard above our head looking like this:

✖ ! Things are not okay with these persons! 

Now what? we’ve sent an email to our therapist with the question if we can see her this week. Or even with another therapist if we have to. We’ve been quite honest about everything in our email, it was so hard to write though. We’ve pushed all the bad stuff far away in a dark corner of our minds. Maybe one day we can write about it all on here. We shall see.

« Loneliness »

• MIGHT TRIGGER • 


• You know what I really hate? Feeling lonely almost every single day, for hours. Doesn’t matter if I’m alone or among other people. No one ever cares about me. They pretend they do and when stuff gets difficult they just pretend I never even existed. It breaks my heart. I will never be good enough, for anyone. My pets are what’s keeping me going right now. 

• I hate it when people tell me to stop complaining about being lonely, because I’m too young for that shit and I’m not old and wasting away in a house where no one ever comes. No family, no friends. 

• I love (most of) my family and I feel extremely guilty that that’s not enough to stop me being suicidal. In an attempt to try to stay sane I self harm. It’s stopping me from doing anything worse. I know most people don’t understand this ‘logic’ and I can’t blame them to be honest. It’s just that I really can’t control my emotions anymore and it scares me. I’m also an emotional/comfort eater and it’s just making me feel so fat. Guess what? No one likes this fat idiot and I just feel lonely so often. It hurts. 

save me from myself, save me from this loneliness