✤ Small Update (TW) âœ¤

As we said yesterday, life just feels like it’s not for us. Sent an email to our therapist. It’s just so hard for all of us, because she doesn’t want to believe with how many we are. Very disappointing and also makes some of us feel sad. This is why we hate switching therapists so often.

We weren’t happy with her response. Whenever we’re in a crisis she refuses giving us the extra help we need. But we always have to reschedule because she has to see someone in a crisis. It’s so damn unfair. We clearly aren’t as important as others, our lives are not important. It makes us quite angry and upset.

We were home alone and ended up cutting our left arm open. It was either that or commit suicide. Simple as that. Do we regret this? Not sure. Did we do enough harm? No. Shouldn’t have stopped when we did. We were switching and one of us stopped, but this struggle of self harm isn’t gone from our minds yet. It’s a fight for survival. Some of us are fighters, others want to die. Can’t even explain how difficult this is. 😔

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✤ Help ✤

We can’t do this anymore. Life is too hard. Dying seems so peaceful. No more pain.

Need to email our therapist about this, but we don’t think she will care much. She never does. If something goes well she is really nice, but if we’re suicidal she doesn’t want to help us. Guess that should be a good thing, because she won’t try to stop us.

Too many bad memories and nightmares. Voices have won. So have the shadows and the creepy crawlers under our skin. We know what we’re going to do, what we have to do. It’s really inconvinient that we’re living with our parents though.

Don’t know how to ask for help. And we need a lot of help to get through this. It’s a losing battle, most likely.

Sorry for this negative post, but we’re completely broken.

✤ Meditation ✤

This never used to work for me. I got too distracted very easily.

Now I’ve been practicing it more at home and it actually helps me at times. I bought some books about meditation, but now I really want more of them. The reason I finally decided to give meditation another try is Buddhism. For me, this is very helpful. I’m very interested in Buddhism, have been for quite some time now.

I found a meditation group not far from my home that I can go to. I’ve been there once, after that I had some other problems I needed to take care of. So last night I finally went to the meditation group again. It wasn’t easy by any means, but it was also nice. They’re all interested in Buddhism, so for me that’s easier I think.

Some people in the group are really making me feel like I’m just a child. Saying what I can’t do etc. I’m just ignoring them, but to be honest it does make me feel insecure. That I’m doing something wrong without knowing it.

What are your experiences with meditation? Anything in particular that helps you? Do you meditate with your eyes open or closed?

✤ Physical pain – Fibromyalgia âœ¤

Lately the pain is getting slowly worse again. I was finally able to go to the gym, but now I can only walk short distances. It’s so damn frustrating. The weather isn’t helping either.

I just wish one day I will be free of any pain. I’ve had fibromyalgia since I was 15 and now I’m 29. It’s ruined my life completely. I have no friends left. I have no useful diploma. I have no job. I live with my parents.

Both my physical and mental health are fucked up. Have been for so long I can’t remember life without these problems. A life worth living. I guess that’s just not for me, unfortunately.

✤ Broken Into Pieces âœ¤

This year so far…

Well, it’s been fucking awful.

First my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. A week later he was dead. It all went so fast even the doctors were surprised. It was horrible to see him getting worse everyday. For him, this was the best that could happen. He was cremated yesterday. It was a beautiful goodbye. We’re all still very sad, really going to miss this old, grumpy man.

So we were in the hospital for hours every single day. It was exhausting.

Then my aunt who has cancer was admitted to the hospital. She’s really ill. Won’t get better anymore. So upset. I also visit her at hospital and so far this year, I’ve been at the hospital every single day. I can’t keep going anymore.

The mother of my uncle also has cancer and they can’t help her anymore either. Everyone one around me seems to be ill or dying.

This year has already broken me. Yet my therapist doesn’t want to help. I’m so done with everything . It’s too much to handle.

🚺 Written by Mana (host/main)

✤ Christmas ✤

What a week it has been. Not in a good way. It’s Christmas now, but it all just feels ‘wrong’.

Last week We went to our creative therapy sessions on Tuesday and Wednesday. We were way too restless to focus on anything. Not sure what we actually did.

Thursday we saw our orthopedist about our right ankle. He set up an appointment for us with a specialist on February 16. Going to be a long wait with this constant pain. They might have to do surgery, but we’ll hear about that later.

Friday we had therapy. Wasn’t a good session, we were too scared to show her what’s been going on and only answered some questions. She said she noticed that our depression has gotten worse.

Last night our whole family got together with presents and stuff. We do this every year. This year it was very difficult. Too busy, too much noise. It was so overwhelming and we were going crazy. Drank quite a lot to try to calm down. Didn’t help. (More about alcohol in another post).

Actually did sleep okay. But we didn’t want to get up. Mom made a big breakfast, which was really nice, but we don’t like to be forced to eat so much after just waking up. Got through it.

Did some diamond painting, tried to read a bit. Slow, long day. Big dinner also today. I feel like a damn stuffed pig, ugh. After that just watched tv and trying to get some sleep now, but we’re very anxious and restless. Might try to write first.

No clue what we are going to do tomorrow. Stressful.

🚺 Ivy

✤ Falling ✤

⚠️TW⚠️

The last few days have been horrible. Nightmares. Hallucinations. Food issues. Self harm. Bad news.

My aunt has cancer, for the second time. Chemotherapy doesn’t work. So it wont get much better anymore. She’s going to get hormone infections to stop the cancer from spreading. Finding it very difficult to accept. I love her so much, I can’t lose her. 😔 I don’t know how to cope with this news. Some of us have been trying to help me, Mana, from doing too much harm to myself. Nothing helps me distract from everything that’s going on, stuck in my head and the voices are ordering me to cut. I’m not sure switching is going to help much longer. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to ‘be’ anymore. Hospital is the only thing that might save me, but my therapists don’t believe me. So upset. I need help. We need help.

I’m feeling so fat, I’m disgusting. Yet I keep eating. Because of all the stress and medication. I was losing weight and it felt great, but I’m so stressed I keep relapsing. Everyone thinks it’s not a real problem, but it is for me. Yet I just get told to stop eating. It hurts. I can’t stand the sight of myself. Literally makes me sick. No one understands this and I don’t know how to let people know how much this is affecting me…

Nightmares are coming back. I don’t get enough sleep. I’m constantly exhausted. Scared. Paranoid. Feel so helpless. I’m hallucinating again, I think, not sure what’s real and what’s not. I just know it’s killing me, slowly. The voices are making me feel so small and useless. Giving me destructive orders. I need to hurt myself. A lot. Can’t fight them anymore. I’m very close to giving up.

I wish these damn holidays weren’t so soon. I’m losing it and I don’t want to ruin everything for my family, especially my parents. But I can’t deal with this fucked up life anymore. I desperately need help that is being denied acces to me. I’m so unimportant.

Should I even be here anymore? Not for me.