I was just thinking about how many of us struggle with an eating disorder. It’s such a hard fight to get better. For a lot of us the struggle, the fight with our ED takes years. Relapses that make you want to give up. Feeling helpless, unable to escape the voice in your that’s telling you to lose weight, that you’re a fat idiot, that you can’t eat. Ofcourse there’s also a voice that’s telling people that they’ll feel better if they eat something when they’re upset. It starts with 1 or 2 things. Then it spirals out of control & you can’t stop eating anymore. Some will purge afterwards, some will exercise afterwards.
What I really hate though, is that people with a healthy weight rarely get the help they need. A lot of them get told they look fine, so it possibly can’t be that bad. When I was underweight, everyone was concerned, trying to help. When my weight was in the healthy range, no one said anything. Now I’m obese, but now I just get disgusted looks.
I know it’s just a short text & I damn well know that’s just a tiny part of what us people go through, but I felt like writing it down. I’m relapsing & scared.
Trigger Warning! Selfharm.
I gave in. The urges and voices were too strong. It took all my strength to not cut too deep. I can’t fight the voices anymore. They’re taking over. I know they’re going to ruin everything, but to be honest I don’t really care anymore. I’m shutting down. It’s all too much for my stupid brain to handle.
I just need to write this down.
- I hear voices 24/7. They’re not nice. They torment me & make me want to hurt or even kill myself. Every. Single. Day.
- I (apparently) see things that aren’t real, which is happening more often. Don’t like it.
- Psychotic depression is slowly crawling back into my life. I’m really scared about this. Everyone is saying I should be happy etc. but I’m just getting too depressed to even care.
- I’m still constantly being followed by the shadows. Somehow they have put bugs under my skin. Must have happened when I was asleep. I knew I shouldn’t sleep, that they would get to me, but I was exhausted. Now I can mostly feel them in my fingertips right now & there’s barely any skin left because I’m trying to get them out. I also cut patterns on my arm in an attempt to catch the bugs long enough so I can cut them out of my body.
- I’m dissociating more often as well. I hate it when this happens & scares the shit out of me. Afterwards I always praying I haven’t done too much damage.
- The nightmares won’t stop. It’s making me exhausted.
- I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my emotions in a proper way.
- PTSD is kicking my ass. Makes me suicidal. I’m too broken.
I had to get a new yournal on here, because one of my friends was secretly reading everything and used that against me. I just hope that won’t happen again.
Well, it’s almost 1am. Time to get some sleep. Hope I can write a proper post.